Sometimes, Suddenly

Sometimes, life can seem so bleak. Sometimes it can feel as though I am lost in a downward spiraling well of deepest, darkest blackness whose all encompassing arms constantly reach out, enveloping me in fear. Sometimes it feels as though there can be no way out of despair. As though all the world is a foreign land in which I have no place. As though there is no point in even trying anymore. Sometimes, this life, this journey seems too hard to carry on.

So I stop fighting, let myself go; stop goading myself with thoughts of tipping myself over the edge and just do it.

And the funny thing is, as soon as I let go, there is nothing left to fear. Instead of falling endlessly as I had expected, I float quietly in space as though carried upon a quiet cloud until I can bring myself to open my eyes and see that the ground is not so very far beneath my feet and the sky is still up above, looking down on me, little old me, in this vast and, yes, beautiful world. The beauty releases the breath from my previously closed lungs and suddenly I find I can breath again. So I do.

.......and so on and so on

Phew!

What a pain in the posterior! I've just spent all day trying to fix errors in my template - agh!
I can be such a muppet - trying so hard to be a perfectionist that I got bogged down in code and lost a whole day - no painting, no research, no chilling even, just hours and hours drifting by as I tried to fix my template cock ups!

Still all sorted now and I hardly even thought about resorting to nicotine for faux comfort - yeah! I know it doesn't look all that different but it suits me better and hey, I spent all day on it, so deal! Kiddin - hope you had a good one x

PS Check new link listing The Humanity Critic - it's funny, witty & has a special charm that warmed my dispirited cockles this morning.

.......and so on and so on

Wood Smoked Lunch

Hmmmmm, I must be more careful when shopping. I picked up a couple cans of salmon last week which I'd thought were standard wild, "dolphin-friendly" salmon. Having just opened a can, I realised this salmon is not at all "wild" so feel annoyed that I've bought farmed salmon which is probably laced with all sorts of chemicals and bad stuff that just isn't fish; isn't what it says on the can.

But the worst thing is this: Reading the can, I see I've inadvertently purchased "Wood Smoked Flavour Salmon". Wood Smoked FLAVOUR??? What's up with that! Not only does it taste grim, but it's not even real wood-smoked. Either really wood smoke the salmon, or don't. Why does Sealord have to add a flavour that isn't really there? And how did they do it? I imagine a machine blowing essence of wood smoke gases into my salmon, already brim full of flavour additives and preservative enhancing chemicals - UGH!

Still, not in the habit of "throwing away good food" I stir in some mashed avocado & cream cheese and it all tastes better - phew! Only organic or wild salmon for me in future, and NO added flavours.

Later: Tasted okay with the avocado but my mouth now feels like I've smoked 10 fat mexican roll-ups - nice!

.......and so on and so on

Microserfs

I came across these fantastic quotes whilst reading legend Douglas Coupland's Microserfs this morning; all very relevant to bloggers and the art of blogging and all on the same page (327)!:

"...randomness is a useful shorthand for describing a pattern that's bigger than anything we can hold in our minds."

"Identity: I go by the Tootsie theory: that if you concoct a convincing on-line meta-personality on the Net, then that personality really IS you. With so few things around nowadays to loan a person identity, the palette of identities you create for yourself in the vacuum of the Net - your menu of alternative "you's" - actually IS you. Or an isotope of you. Or a photocopy of you."

"Karla noted that when photocopy machines first started to come out, people photocopied their bums. "Now, with computers, we photocopy our very being.""

Something to think about eh ;)

.......and so on and so on

Last Cigarette

Quit smoking yesterday - yeah, I know what you're thinking: "Again?"
Well, fair dos. I know I've said it before, but this time....
Well who knows. I'm not gonna kid myself, all I know is that I've been having difficulty breathing lately and it's just a bit silly to keep at it eh!

Late yesterday afternoon, I sat with what would have been the 2nd cigarette of the day in hand along with the lighter, as though I were just going to finish typing and then go out on the balcony to smoke it.
Almost an hour later, I realised I was still sitting there holding the fag & lighter and still typing or reading or whatever. I also realised that the reason I hadn't yet gone outside and lit up, was not because I was too busy typing/reading/whatever, but because my body was trying to breathe normally. I'd sat there, taking in huge gulps of air, holding it, letting go, repeating the sequence (quite noisily, I might add) for ages. What was my mind thinking?!
"Maybe when you can finally catch your breath properly, you can go and have that ciggie"!!!
Agh! My breathing has become tense again, just thinking about it! How can I let my mind, or at least the nicotine addicted part of it, make me so stupid!

So, anyway, I put the ciggie and lighter back in the kitchen drawer (where I've been keeping them out of sight, but clearly not out of mind) and decided to leave it. Later on in the evening, when I was still trying hard to breathe normally I decided that enough was enough! I took the almost full pack of cigarettes and put them in the kitchen bin. I didn't even take them out of the packet and cut or break them up one by one as I've done in the past; I know there is no way I'm going to let myself become so desperate as to hunt stubbies from the bin - disgusting I know, but it has been done before as all you ex and current smokers who've tried to quit know all too well!

This morning, I emptied the ashtray and thought about hiding it away. Again, there is no need this time. I simple put it back in the corner of the balcony for visitors who may wish to partake. I'm not going to get all preachy and expect everyone else to give up. Preaching didn't make any difference to me; made me want to smoke more if anything. Quitting is a very personal decision and your body will tell you when it's time; hopefully, like me, you'll listen to it.

My breathing is still out of whack, but hopefully the yoga will help as well as my new smoke free existence - feels good already - I am no longer a slave!
.......and so on and so on

Ponsonby to Karekare

Had a fab weekend despite feeling rubbish on Friday night because BF had actually gone to the pub after work (good for him) and poor old me, who had been looking forward to a night out had to sit in by myself until he decided to come back! Boo hoo! I was feeling very sorry for myself as I'd been in the apartment all day (lets face it, all week) painting and designing and I really needed to get out finally! So I sulked and broke my one cig a day rule early (it doesn't apply at weekends!) and smoked lots of cigarettes on the balcony. Pathetic huh!

I finally forgave the errant BF when he got back - how dare he have a life without me! - and we went into Ponsonby (like Clapham South to London - bit poncey (haha), bit arty, bit cool when not up it's own posterior and obviously where we want to live when we get round to moving out of town) for dinner. We wandered up and down Ponsonby Road for a bit before deciding to forgo the bigger busier places and opted for a cute little bar/eatery called Ease instead. It was very cosy with nice booth style seating, a very reasonably priced menu and the DJ was playing funky tunes. The decor was great too with funky lampshades, and cool artwork adorning the walls. Despite being cheap our meals were delicious, nicely presented and not too much; I like to get value for money but sometimes feel put off by the huge plates of food served in some other P-road eateries and then feel guilty for not being able to eat it all, so this was a pleasant change.

We headed to The Whiskey Bar after for more wine and then down to the College Hill end of P-Road to the Ponsonby Belgian Beer Cafe (which is actually a pub) where I asked for an orange juice, knew I should have an orange juice yet somehow ended up having two glasses of Hoegarden - sigh - how does that happen! When they decided to close up, we caught a cab homewards but as the cabbie went up the wrong road and we had to walk past Brooklyn Bar, we decided to pop in for another beer! Suckers! It was a lot busier than normal and the music was good but we'd already had our fill and ended up leaving most of our beers which tasted rotten after wine & white Belgian beer - ugh!

We left after 20 mins, stumbled up the road, up the stairs and in the door, home - a good night that I actually managed to remember most of the next day! I've been worrying that my memory is getting really bad. It's never been good, but lately, I can hardly remember what I did from one day to the next - sounds funny, but can be a bit scary at times! Gotta cut back on the booze and fill up on exercise me thinks.

Sunday, our new friends Loz & Miriam picked us up and we headed out of town on a road trip - sometimes cars are good. Had lovely day on gorgeous KareKare beach in Waitakere with magical sparkly black volcanic sand (Xena Warrior Princess and Jane Campion's The Piano were shot here fact fans) and lunch at Piha.

The weather was perfect and we had a lot of fun swimming (not me obviously - had no costume or reasonable body to put inside one), taking pics of the beautiful sunlit ocean and hunting out crabs & starfish - yummy!

Headed back citywards and stopped in Mission bay for couple drinks, The Viaduct for another, and cool Asian food hall on Queens for huge cheap meal! Sooo stuffed and once again bit beered up - how'd that happen!

.......and so on and so on

Auckland Calling

Don't worry, Molly hasn't fallen off the planet! Just moved to the other side - yes, we completed the New Zealand residency application, sent it off, got approved, I quit my job - YES! YES! YES! - we travelled the Far East for 3 weeks and arrived in Auckland almost a month ago! Phew!

So far, my life is on its way to being healthier and is more organic in some ways and less in others. Let me explain, if you will...... 3 weeks of travelling with the darling BF means a lot of walking! Wandering around new places, preferably with a huge backpack on seems to be one of his hobbies which I've resigned myself to! No, really I love it.

We decided beforehand not to rough it too much and booked a couple hotels. We've always been anti large luxurious hotels when there's a perfectly respectable hostel or smaller hotel in the neighbourhood, and not just for financial reasons. I hate the idea of putting more money into the pockets of those who already have too much especially when this is at the expense of those who have much less (ie locals not me & BF!). I find that grand hotels can also be a distraction from the place you're visiting, which kind of defies the object of travelling. Hmmmmm....

nice hotel

So, despite good intentions and having done the backpacking thing together before, BF & I felt our relationship deserved a bit more luxury this time round - ie we couldn't face another holiday of desperately trying to find somewhere decent with minimal insect company and maximum hygiene; BF trying to persuade me (with pmt, dehydration and a migraine coming on) that this latest in a long line of beach huts with it's delightful hole-in-the-ground toilet, sans lightbulb and only one or two cockroaches was fine.

nice hotel pool

So we stayed in realatively cheap (in UK prices anyway) but lovely and well equipped hotels in Ho Chi Minh, Phnom Penh, Kuala Lumpur and Singapore and with friends in their gorgeous Bangkok apartment, only roughing it on Penang island for 5 days.

gorgeous bangkok apartment living


Walking the long dusty border path from Vietnam to Cambodia (with backpacks & handpacks) in sweltering heat!

Having arrived in Auckland, we stayed with friends for 2 weeks whilst looking for our own apartment. They live outside of central Auckland, so there were copious trips into town by bus, wandering around the city's suburbs trying to suss out the best area to live in. Despite BF's amazing navigation skills, this inevitably involved a little getting lost and we must have pounded a marathon's worth of pavement in a week! Add to this the fact that Auckland is built on volcanic earth with roads constantly going up and down fairly steep slopes and my sedentary lifestyle has certainly taken a hammering!

We moved into our city centre apartment 3 weeks ago. It's a nice "old" building situated on a steep incline - hoorah! - and we're 3 flights up, so that's a lot more walking for me! And you know what; lately, I've been using the stairs instead of the lift and, get this, I actually did some yoga this morning! Wow, now if only I could give up the evil smoking (I have cut down to a pack a week) I'd be practically healthy!

My life has taken a more organic spin in that I have stopped looking for part-time office work for now and have given myself a month to just concentrate on my painting and design work - this is such a joy and I feel extremely privileged. More of this another time.

Organic food has been a bit more difficult as there doesn't seem to be much in the supermarkets over here. Even though they're becoming evil in taking over the supermarket market and begin responsible for smaller suppliers being forced to close, I do miss Tesco a little. As for Able & Cole, delectable supplier of our organic fruit & veg box each week - I think of them often :(
There are organic delivery companies here but we haven't been able to try any yet as deliveries seem to be a problem in apartment buildings. Hopefully, when we move out of the centre a little and buy a regular house, this won't be a problem.

So that's it so far - life is going well over here. Oh, and incase you're wondering, about the so called job I had in the UK and the appalling Huge National Children's Charity I slaved for: My ex-colleague recently informed me that the project is being closed down and they're all being made redundant in December! What a surprise!! It seems crazy now that I stuck it out for so long though I made some good friends and learnt a lot from them but I'm soooo glad to be out of there!

.......and so on and so on